My Call to Black Men… on How To Keep Your Nubian Queen

Firstly, if you think this title was over the top in any way, shape or form, you probably don’t deserve to have your amazing Black woman.


I consider myself an expert on the Black man. I have studied him from all angles. I have known him as the sister, (step)daughter, (god)daughter, friend, friend-with-benefits, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, unsuspecting girl on the side, enemy, mentor and witness to others in these positions. I have love hime, hated him, feared him, scared him, trusted him, lied to him, accepted lies by him, and all the rest.

I hope this is enough credibility for you as the reader.

I have also been in a 4-year-long relationship with a brotha. It has been bittersweet (sometimes more than the other). But, as a determined woman, I find myself in a struggle to maintain this bond. I love my Black men, and I love my Black man. So, out of this deep-rooted love, I am going to share some of my learning on how you can contribute to the happiness and continuation of your relationship.

Communicate with us.

The day I realized that I could not get any straight answers to questions I asked my man was the day I started to question my trust with him. Women are communicators. We love to talk, because we like to know what is going on. The less you talk to us, the more we begin to make up answers to our questions for ourselves. For example, I used to ask my man, “How was your day at work” and get a nice little 5 minute overlay of the inter-workings of the airline he works for, what he did on break, what he ate, funny stuff that was said and all. After a while, the answer to my questions was “Fine.” Just “fine.” It leaves a lot to the imagination. “Fine” could be, “There was this fine chick who came over to me and gave me her number, and a tight spot around my zipper,” or “it was a pretty boring day.” In general, giving a one-word answer to any question asked by a woman shouts “I’m hiding something.” Feeling blocked off makes women feel insecure, and leads to a slew of other problems. Assume that when a woman asks you a question that seems simple, she’s attempting to start a conversation.

Also, your friends do not need to know about our issues. Duly noted, women do this. But that’s a female trait! I should not know that your friends know when I’m on my monthly, and that’s why I’m acting whatever way. They should not be mad at me all because you’re mad at me. that makes no sense. You are a grown man.

Don’t slack at swag.

All because you have this wonderful woman (finally) does not mean you get to start being a lazy, uncaring ass. Everything that you fronted as a benefit to being with you still needs to shine. What are you, a false advertisement? I don’t need for you to go from Prince Charming to Oscar the Grouch. If you held my hand out in public and played slow jams on the way back to your place after a nice night out to get me in the mood, you can keep that up. It’s not expensive, it does not hurt. I may not expect a dinner out every other night anymore (because I understand that it’s expensive), but simple sweet things done while courting are expectations in the long haul. These are the unique things that your girl/woman took from you to make you desirable!

Let’s Not Be Jealous

Another thing I see as a female trait… but played in a modest way can benefit your relationship. So… I have a lot of male friends. I was a tomboy as a youth, so i can’t help it. I don’t need you going through my phone deleting people at will. Who is my brother/uncle/family member you have not met yet? OK, then. I personally don’t mind if my guy (after 4 years) goes through my phone occasionally and asks who a few people are (guys and gals). It’s all in the attitude, though. I don’t want to hear, “Oh, who the &^$* is THIS! You cheatin’?!?” Rather, one or two unfamiliar names are easy to explain. I don’t need this to be some accusatory jump-off, though. I would say that this level of privacy should be a conversation in the early parts of a relationship. Some people would not be cool with their partner going through their phone, and some would not want a partner who, say, locks their phone with a code (ex: my hun locks his pictures/videos, I lock my phone altogether). This can cause some insecurities as well.

Also, say we are walking down the street and some guys happen to catch me in their glance (or stare, haha). The last two things I (as a woman) do not want you to do is cause a scene (over a look?) or get mad at ME for being attractive (should I cover myself with mud?). The best reaction to this is to address it jokingly, if I’m not offended. Something like, “They can look, lucky for me, I get to touch, too,” whispered in the ear, is a top choice for me. Now, if they are looking at something I would not be too happy about, say something is exposed (GASP!), I’d recommend that you hastily tell me and allow me/you to rectify the X-rated sight. The LAST THING I need is for you to say, “You’re letting THIS hang out and THAT hang out.” I probably didn’t mean it! Clothes adjust all on their own. Just say something, like a calm gentleman, and I will fix it. You aren’t my dang daddy.

I plan to continue this list… but knowing the men I know, I had to make it as short as possible.

Guys, let me know what you think.

Any additions, ladies? Feel free to comment.


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